Wednesday, June 25, 2003
There’s just so much.
No introduction to my post today. Last night was such an insane evening that I must immediately jump in and try to explain why every time I go out with my group of friends, drama follows us and slaps us in the face.
First off…the audition.
Last night, Kelly and Megan (Co-Founders of the Theater Company that is putting on Stupid Kids) and I met up with this kid named Brad to audition him for the part of Jim. You get all that? So many names.
The real auditions for the part of Jim happen tonight, but Brad couldn’t come so we met him last night just in case he was right for the part. And thank God we did! Cuz, um…he is PERFECT for the part. First off, the part of Jim has to be played by a very masculine, “Rebel Without a Cause” type of guy. He must also be comfortable with homosexual kissing. During last night’s audition, Brad and I had chemistry that blew everyone away. His acting was top notch and his sex appeal was off the charts. He has blond hair, steel blue eyes, and a ripped body. He is taller than me and man…just looks SO good. Guys with lean, muscular bodies do not turn me on, usually. I go for BIG and BEEFY. But Brad has so much charisma and appeal that I know I speak for both Kelly and Megan when I say that we all wanted to drink his cum.
Once we had finished, the three of us went to have a drink at a nearby bar. We were all FLOORED by the amount of talent this kid has, combined with the chemistry that he and I had during our reading. It was a bit overwhelming. Tonight, we audition 10-15 more guys, but I know we all breathe a little easier knowing that if none of them work out, Brad is a shoo in for the part. He is currently doing an off-Broadway show and just finished shooting a film on Sunday. Impressive, but intimidating. I left Kelly and Megan at the bar and went over to Paul’s place to get ready to go out. However, the whole audition experience left me a bit shaken. I felt emotions that I haven’t felt in 3 years. The passion in my gut for performance was lit up. I started to realize that being an actor is who I am. And for the last 3 years I have been doing everything in my power to run away from that. I started to cry.
Kelly arrived at Paul’s apartment an hour later and I immediately pulled her into the bathroom for a quick talk.
I told her of my fears and doubts of becoming an actor again. I told her that I felt as though my world was turning upside down and that for the first time in my life, I was truly SCARED. You see, I am a good actor. I know it. I feel real emotions when I say the lines. I BELIEVE in what is happening in the scene as though it were real life. It’s a lot to be confronted with after such a long hiatus. Kelly hugged me and told me that she understood and that she will be with me throughout the entire process. But for the rest of the night, I was off. I was confronted with my old life and while part of me wanted to run away from it, part of me wanted to grasp onto it for dear life. I don’t want to be Joe CuttheShit pseudo-actor, man-eater, smoker/boozer. I want to be Joe CuttheShit focused actor, hard worker, honest soul.
Anysnoodle, we all arrived at Beige/B-Bar/Bowery Bar, etc. at 10pm. Tons of different names for the same place. Joining me in my first Gay Pride outing was Paul, Kelly, Mariah, and Paul’s roommate Jen. B-Bar has a patio in the back that allows smoking, so we immediately started walking back to that area. As we rounded the front bar, I bumped my arm into one of the waiters’ arms. He turned around and dropped one of the drinks he was carrying onto the floor. Somehow, he thought that Kelly did it. He looked her in the face and then launched the other drink on his tray right into her face. It landed on her toes and then smashed all over the floor. We were SHOCKED.
Suddenly there was an uproar. Mariah, Paul, and I all started freaking out. “What the FUCK do you think you are doing? You don’t THROW drinks at customers! Are you fucked up in the head?!?!” It was crazy, chaotic, and rather exciting. A manager ran over, talked to Kelly about what happened and then told the waiter to go upstairs and change his clothes. We are pretty sure he was fired. The manager then gave Kelly 7 free drink tickets and apologized profusely. Kelly handled it all with style and grace. But Mariah and Paul were furious for a long while after. The whole situation was really fucked up and I just stood there saying “Why is it that EVERY time we go out, something completely out of control happens?!?!”
We downed some vodka tonics and talked our faces off. Paul was absolutely adorable. I bought him a rose and he about burst into tears with sheer joy. As Mariah and I were taking a trip to the bathroom, this is the conversation we had:
Mariah: “Paul is so in love with you. He was just telling me how he is so glad that you are giving him a second chance.”
Joe: “Mariah, I don’t think I want to be with Paul anymore.”
Mariah: “What do you mean? You just gave him a rose! He is really trying hard to be the boyfriend you want him to be.”
Joe: “I know I keep saying that if he just changes his ways, our relationship will be so much better, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know if I want a boyfriend at all anymore. It’s not Paul’s fault. At this stage in my life, I think I just want to be single and free. Independent and able to do what I want.”
Mariah: “What about Ahmad?”
Joe: “Ahmad is a great guy too, but I don’t want a relationship with him. I want to kiss and date and talk to lots of boys. I have never really had the opportunity to do that freely and I think now is the time.”
Mariah totally understood where I was coming from, but it was hard for both of us to watch Paul work overtime trying to make me happy. Fortunately, that didn’t last too long as Paul and I got in a screaming match at Ray’s Pizza and I left to go back to his apartment alone. I remember calling him “ugly” and reminding him that the friends that we went out with were “my friends and not his”. It was a terrible scene and my acid tongue got the best of me again. Paul was a dickhead back, but he is never as cruel as I can be.
I arrived at Paul’s apartment before Mariah, Kelly and Paul did. When I got to his pad, I had another glass of wine and hung out with Jen and Lisa. Eventually the rest of the group showed up and we smoked and laughed and had a good time. It was as though the whole “Ray’s Pizza” confrontation never happened. Everyone got ready to go to sleep at 2am. Paul was already passed out in his bed. Without saying goodbye to him, I packed up my shit and went home. It wasn’t that Paul had done anything wrong. In fact the only person that had a big fat mean mouth last night, was me.
I am in a place of confusion right now and I find myself doing and saying things that seem so out of character for me. Yet, I do them because I feel as though I need to start trusting my instincts a bit more. I have to allow myself to grow and change and make mistakes. If leaving Paul’s place at 2am without saying goodbye is what I needed to do, then that is what I needed to do. If I was unnecessarily mean to him, then I was unnecessarily mean to him. I am not saying it was appropriate at all. But if that’s how I felt in the moment, then I resolve to be confident in my decisions.
I am so hard on myself every day for stupid shit and it’s time I started LIVING. People fuck up all the time and I want to stop criticizing and watching my every move.
As I have said over and over for the last couple of entries, I need to focus on me and stop worrying what everyone else in my life is going to think about it. I have a great group of friends. It’s time I started trusting in them.
Tonight is the big audition! Hoping it goes as well as last night.
Wow. Look at me acting again! Baby steps. Baby steps all the way to fame.
No introduction to my post today. Last night was such an insane evening that I must immediately jump in and try to explain why every time I go out with my group of friends, drama follows us and slaps us in the face.
First off…the audition.
Last night, Kelly and Megan (Co-Founders of the Theater Company that is putting on Stupid Kids) and I met up with this kid named Brad to audition him for the part of Jim. You get all that? So many names.
The real auditions for the part of Jim happen tonight, but Brad couldn’t come so we met him last night just in case he was right for the part. And thank God we did! Cuz, um…he is PERFECT for the part. First off, the part of Jim has to be played by a very masculine, “Rebel Without a Cause” type of guy. He must also be comfortable with homosexual kissing. During last night’s audition, Brad and I had chemistry that blew everyone away. His acting was top notch and his sex appeal was off the charts. He has blond hair, steel blue eyes, and a ripped body. He is taller than me and man…just looks SO good. Guys with lean, muscular bodies do not turn me on, usually. I go for BIG and BEEFY. But Brad has so much charisma and appeal that I know I speak for both Kelly and Megan when I say that we all wanted to drink his cum.
Once we had finished, the three of us went to have a drink at a nearby bar. We were all FLOORED by the amount of talent this kid has, combined with the chemistry that he and I had during our reading. It was a bit overwhelming. Tonight, we audition 10-15 more guys, but I know we all breathe a little easier knowing that if none of them work out, Brad is a shoo in for the part. He is currently doing an off-Broadway show and just finished shooting a film on Sunday. Impressive, but intimidating. I left Kelly and Megan at the bar and went over to Paul’s place to get ready to go out. However, the whole audition experience left me a bit shaken. I felt emotions that I haven’t felt in 3 years. The passion in my gut for performance was lit up. I started to realize that being an actor is who I am. And for the last 3 years I have been doing everything in my power to run away from that. I started to cry.
Kelly arrived at Paul’s apartment an hour later and I immediately pulled her into the bathroom for a quick talk.
I told her of my fears and doubts of becoming an actor again. I told her that I felt as though my world was turning upside down and that for the first time in my life, I was truly SCARED. You see, I am a good actor. I know it. I feel real emotions when I say the lines. I BELIEVE in what is happening in the scene as though it were real life. It’s a lot to be confronted with after such a long hiatus. Kelly hugged me and told me that she understood and that she will be with me throughout the entire process. But for the rest of the night, I was off. I was confronted with my old life and while part of me wanted to run away from it, part of me wanted to grasp onto it for dear life. I don’t want to be Joe CuttheShit pseudo-actor, man-eater, smoker/boozer. I want to be Joe CuttheShit focused actor, hard worker, honest soul.
Anysnoodle, we all arrived at Beige/B-Bar/Bowery Bar, etc. at 10pm. Tons of different names for the same place. Joining me in my first Gay Pride outing was Paul, Kelly, Mariah, and Paul’s roommate Jen. B-Bar has a patio in the back that allows smoking, so we immediately started walking back to that area. As we rounded the front bar, I bumped my arm into one of the waiters’ arms. He turned around and dropped one of the drinks he was carrying onto the floor. Somehow, he thought that Kelly did it. He looked her in the face and then launched the other drink on his tray right into her face. It landed on her toes and then smashed all over the floor. We were SHOCKED.
Suddenly there was an uproar. Mariah, Paul, and I all started freaking out. “What the FUCK do you think you are doing? You don’t THROW drinks at customers! Are you fucked up in the head?!?!” It was crazy, chaotic, and rather exciting. A manager ran over, talked to Kelly about what happened and then told the waiter to go upstairs and change his clothes. We are pretty sure he was fired. The manager then gave Kelly 7 free drink tickets and apologized profusely. Kelly handled it all with style and grace. But Mariah and Paul were furious for a long while after. The whole situation was really fucked up and I just stood there saying “Why is it that EVERY time we go out, something completely out of control happens?!?!”
We downed some vodka tonics and talked our faces off. Paul was absolutely adorable. I bought him a rose and he about burst into tears with sheer joy. As Mariah and I were taking a trip to the bathroom, this is the conversation we had:
Mariah: “Paul is so in love with you. He was just telling me how he is so glad that you are giving him a second chance.”
Joe: “Mariah, I don’t think I want to be with Paul anymore.”
Mariah: “What do you mean? You just gave him a rose! He is really trying hard to be the boyfriend you want him to be.”
Joe: “I know I keep saying that if he just changes his ways, our relationship will be so much better, but the truth of the matter is that I don’t know if I want a boyfriend at all anymore. It’s not Paul’s fault. At this stage in my life, I think I just want to be single and free. Independent and able to do what I want.”
Mariah: “What about Ahmad?”
Joe: “Ahmad is a great guy too, but I don’t want a relationship with him. I want to kiss and date and talk to lots of boys. I have never really had the opportunity to do that freely and I think now is the time.”
Mariah totally understood where I was coming from, but it was hard for both of us to watch Paul work overtime trying to make me happy. Fortunately, that didn’t last too long as Paul and I got in a screaming match at Ray’s Pizza and I left to go back to his apartment alone. I remember calling him “ugly” and reminding him that the friends that we went out with were “my friends and not his”. It was a terrible scene and my acid tongue got the best of me again. Paul was a dickhead back, but he is never as cruel as I can be.
I arrived at Paul’s apartment before Mariah, Kelly and Paul did. When I got to his pad, I had another glass of wine and hung out with Jen and Lisa. Eventually the rest of the group showed up and we smoked and laughed and had a good time. It was as though the whole “Ray’s Pizza” confrontation never happened. Everyone got ready to go to sleep at 2am. Paul was already passed out in his bed. Without saying goodbye to him, I packed up my shit and went home. It wasn’t that Paul had done anything wrong. In fact the only person that had a big fat mean mouth last night, was me.
I am in a place of confusion right now and I find myself doing and saying things that seem so out of character for me. Yet, I do them because I feel as though I need to start trusting my instincts a bit more. I have to allow myself to grow and change and make mistakes. If leaving Paul’s place at 2am without saying goodbye is what I needed to do, then that is what I needed to do. If I was unnecessarily mean to him, then I was unnecessarily mean to him. I am not saying it was appropriate at all. But if that’s how I felt in the moment, then I resolve to be confident in my decisions.
I am so hard on myself every day for stupid shit and it’s time I started LIVING. People fuck up all the time and I want to stop criticizing and watching my every move.
As I have said over and over for the last couple of entries, I need to focus on me and stop worrying what everyone else in my life is going to think about it. I have a great group of friends. It’s time I started trusting in them.
Tonight is the big audition! Hoping it goes as well as last night.
Wow. Look at me acting again! Baby steps. Baby steps all the way to fame.
